EU – How to Handle Getting Dumped

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Dear EU,

I know you’re going through a rough time right now. It’s never easy to be told, “We’re just better off apart. It’s not you, it’s me.” Even though you know it’s really you.

All the signs were there for months. The distance, the lack of affection at secret bureaucratic meetings in Brussels, the public rallies burning EU flags…but you were in denial.

And now…now you’ve been told goodbye by a country whose economy you’ve loved, cherished, and milked like a cow for the past 40 years. As you pick up the pieces, remember, the sun will rise tomorrow.

Here are some tips to move on after the breakup:

1) Rediscover your passions. Remember before this relationship, how you used to enjoy simple pleasures like walks in the park, trips to the beach, listening to jazz and nuclear brinksmanship with the Russians? Time to get back to the things you love.

2) Work on yourself. Now that you’re free from worrying about the pound, Scottish referendums and the rantings of Nigel Farage, you have plenty of time to hit the gym, make a career change and tell the Greeks to stop putting their pensions on Germany’s credit card.

3) Avoid the rebound relationship. Yes, this hurts. But jumping into the sack with another country you just met will only postpone the healing process. Don’t use Turkey as a placeholder to soothe your pain. They’re a real country with feelings too.

4) Don’t contact your ex. At first, it’ll be tempting to see what they’re up to, but watching the BBC and reading the Guardian will only deepen the suffering and keep you living in the past. Besides, the last thing you want to see is a front-page article in the Telegraph about the UK’s new trade agreement with a hot, young country like Brazil.

5) Lean on your support network. Remember, there are still 26 of you left. You can cry this out over a bottle of Italian wine in Tuscany, eat your way through the pain with Tapas in Seville and take our your frustrations in an underground Romanian fight club. But it’s important to move on after a while. A year from now, even Slovenia’s going to be sick of your whining.

Hang in there, EU. You’re a great collection of developing and has-been nations that any trading bloc would be lucky to call partners.

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