The Cheerful Divorce

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“Margaret, so good to see you again after you unceremoniously crushed my soul with the news that you were leaving me!”

“You too, Dan! You look well. That homewrecking mistress of yours has done wonders for your skin tone.”

“Thanks sweetheart. You always did know how to make a guy feel special while simultaneously gutting his life savings.”

“Of course! You’ve always meant the world to me. You, and half your 401k, your boat, and your favorite leather sofa in the den.”

“I do indeed love that sofa. And I wish you well with it, especially with the knowledge that Missy and I spent many an afternoon breaking it in.”

“Wonderful! I always knew you were talented, but twisting the knife that deep really takes some skill. I really hope our son inherits your impressive ability to destroy the self-worth of someone who gave you their best years.”

“I’m certain he will. And I’m sure he’ll also inherit your dazzling good looks that started fading rapidly after 30 and caused me to subsequently look elsewhere.”

“He is a special one, and I hope our parting of ways doesn’t impact the strong relationship he has with his incorrigible, philandering male role model.”

“I’m certain it won’t. And I will be sure to only speak highly of you to him, as his advancing teenage years will naturally make him more in-tune to your drinking and inability to connect emotionally.”

“You’ve always been a class act, Dan, and always know how to treat a lady. As the vivid pictures of you and that hussy at Chez Jean-Marc’s have proven with great clarity.”

“Thanks Margaret. I’ll be sure to keep you in my thoughts as you move on to the next chapter of your life featuring an Australian pool boy living in the guest house I built with my bare hands over the course of three years.”

“Anything to honor all the hard work you’ve given our family, Dan.”

“Much appreciated. Now, let’s sign these papers so you can amicably clean me out and I can get back to my new love who will likely dump me when she finds out just how destitute these proceedings will leave me.”

“Gladly so, my dearest Dan. And here’s my new address. When you’re delivering pizzas to us next week, it will come in handy.”


If you or someone you know is in the midst of a divorce that’s not quite as cheery, give us a call. Let the cathartic power of humor carry you through with a roast of your ex!

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