“Good evening, everyone. We’re here tonight to honor our CEO, Jack Hillesman, for his incredible leadership and accomplishments here at Omnitechtron. But, of course, this is a roast…so we’ll tear him to pieces! In a sterilized, non-offensive way that will ensure no feathers are ruffled or jobs terminated on Monday.
That’s quite a hairpiece, Jack! I haven’t seen a rug that obvious since…well, I’ll leave that alone. Hair loss is a source of depression and loss of self-esteem in men Jack’s age, so it would be imprudent to make any crass remarks about a source of pain in a man we so deeply admire.
And how about that baseball memorabilia in his office? What’s with the Pete Rose autograph? That guy gambled more than our staff when we eat Linda’s homemade brownies. Which is a terrible thing to joke about since gambling destroys families and I know that Jack’s reverence for the man is strictly based on his exemplary play on the field. Jack is and always will be our unshakeable moral beacon. And of course I’m kidding, Linda. Your brownies are wonderful and even though the undercooked flour hospitalized the IT department with listeria, we know your heart was in the right place.
And your weekend “business” trips to Atlantic City…suuuure. I’ll bet that buxom blonde you’ve been spotted with is our next big investor, right? Well, probably right since Jack is a progressive leader who engages women in the highest levels of decision-making and would never think of cheating on his wife a fifth time. He’s the type of family man I hope my daughter finds one day. Rumors about him and my daughter last year in Reno not withstanding.
Jack, your courage, vision, and clarity make us all want to be more like you. So, everyone, please stand and toast the man who made tonight possible…Jack’s father who croaked and left him in charge of the company. Which is a horrendously insensitive thing to say given the trauma involved….”