By Geoff Woliner
“It’s late August again.
Which means in a few days, I go back to being surrounded by emotionally stunted children who dress inappropriately, do drugs on school property and turn disrespecting me into an Olympic sport.
But enough about my staff.
You see, this will be my 27th year at Garfield High. You heard right. 27 years for ‘ol Principal Egbert Anderson.
And thanks again for that name, mom. My therapist thanks you too.
Like most in this gig, I started out as an idealistic Social Studies teacher, fresh out of graduate school and ready to make a difference in the lives of kids who drew crude renditions of genitalia all over my assignments.
But after 19 years of teaching world history to a bunch of kids who couldn’t find Russia on a map, they decided to promote me to the big chair. I figured, “This is fantastic. I get extra cash in my pocket and finally get to fire people I don’t like.”
If only, pal. If only.
But I do feel bad for these kids, even though they treat me like a leper from a Charles Dickens novel. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard, “Do you know who my father is??“
In my first order of business as El Jefe’, I tried getting rid of Mrs. Johnson. Her students’ test scores were so shockingly low, I began to wonder if she showed up every day on quaaludes.
But when I tried sending her on her way, she lawyered up, and the union ended up cutting a deal. So now, she’s still on my payroll and getting a handsome $114,000 a year to sit in a dark room and talk to plants.
Let’s just hope she’s not teaching AP Chemistry to the plants too.
Then there’s my budget. The misers on the appropriations committee give me less and less to work with every year, and it gives me more heartburn than the pasta primavera my wife butchers on the regular.
I mean, you’ve gotta be kidding me with these history textbooks. I don’t want to say they’re outdated, but I had a kid ask me last week, “Yo, Mr. Anderson, what are we gonna do if the Confederacy secedes after this years’ election?”
And these facilities…just shoot me now. We’ve got more asbestos than the Navy Yard. God only knows what we’re all breathing in here. I’ve got 14-year-olds who sound like 55-year-old, chain-smoking, leopard-print-wearing divorcee’s at half-price wine night.
But I do feel bad for these kids, even though they treat me like a leper from a Charles Dickens novel. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard, “Do you know who my father is??“
Yeah, kid. I know who your father is. I saw him on, “To catch a predator” last night. You should be very proud.
And speaking of these parents, these Emmy-award-winning parents…
They march into my office and scream, “Why did your teacher fail my son in Spanish?? He’s smart and he works hard!!” Aside from the nakedly obvious fact that your son is neither smart nor hard-working, you don’t pass that class by pronouncing “hola” as “holla”.
But after meeting you, I’ll implore Mrs. Sanchez to go easy on him. It’s not his fault that when God rolled the genetic dice, your little bundle of joy came up snake eyes. I can only surmise that his father must be a Rhodes Scholar working on an astrophysics white paper somewhere.
But all in all, I shouldn’t complain. It’s not that bad. I still get summers off and a pension that’ll have me retiring comfortably in Sarasota while my contemporaries find themselves greeting the scooter-laden masses of Walmart to make ends meet.
And I know I’ve made a difference. In fact, I had a student call me last week, and say, “Mr. Anderson, you may not remember me. Joey Smith, class of ’98. Anyway, I want you to know, I never forgot you. You made a huge impact on my life. And you said I could always reach out to you. So here I am, reaching out. I need 50k for bail.”
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Geoff Woliner, Founder and CEO of Winning Wit, is a speech writer, speaker, and author of, “Get Bitter to Get Better: How to reclaim your confidence, prove your villains wrong and win the big moments in life.”
Winning Wit, winner of Wedding Wire’s “Couple’s Choice” awards, is a team of award-winning comedians who help people write and deliver dynamic speeches and presentations through the application of stand-up comedy techniques.
Winning Wit has been featured on WTOP Radio and in several event publications as the leaders in event speech writing and coaching.
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